I did it. I weighed myself this morning, restarted my tracker with Weight Watchers and am ready to go.
I feel better already, although I know most of that is the mental process of starting over.
I feel optimistic this time, which is different. I’m determined that I’m going to have a POSITIVE MENTAL ATTITUDE. I know from past experience that believing you can do something makes things so much easier. I’m in this. I’m in this hardcore.
I have about 40 lbs to lose, which sucks but it’s not the end of the world. I want to be in control. I want to feel hot and sexy again. I want to be able to put on those denim capris that make my ass look wonderful and my thighs look tiny. I want to be free.
I need to figure shit out. I’m sick and tired of feeling fat, ugly and lousy.
I’m just done thinking about how I’ve failed at every moment of the day. The entire time I’m awake, all I can think of is how I’m gaining weight and how terrible I look. I think AT EVERY MOMENT of my life about what I could do, what I should do, what I will do and what I won’t do.
I’M SICK OF IT.
I need to start now. I need to stop ordering pizza cause it’s hot out and I don’t want to cook (last night). I need to stop going for frozen yogurt because one of my room mate’s suggested it and I had recently read a review of it (Saturday). I need to stop worrying about what other people are doing and just worry about me. I need to make a choice. Be fat and stop worrying about it or do something to fix it.
In other words, put up or get up.
I’m going back to Weight Watchers. I’m going back to Weight Watchers this week. I will post my weigh in results and take some progress pictures. I’m going to stick this out, dammit. I want to be in control of me and my choices again because I cannot see my weight start with a “2” again. I just can’t. I worked so hard! I can’t let it all be in vain.
It’s been over six months since I’ve posted.
What have I been doing?
I’ve been going on vacation to Florida, thinking about buying a house with my girlfriend, celebrating friends as they settle down and start families…and getting fatter.
I’m actually pretty good at maintenance. I can maintain the same basic weight (give or take a few pounds) like a rock star. But I’m also good at gaining weight and, for someone who’s lost almost 200 lbs, I’m really bad a losing weight. It’s like I can’t commit to buckling down, taking off the pounds gained and then resuming maintenance. I like maintenance. I like being able to eat a bit more and move a bit less. I like being able to have a night off sitting on the couch and not feel guilty about skipping a workout.
That’s most of my issue. I think about how fat I am and how I hate how I look ALL THE TIME. I am constantly “starting over” and making excuses and it has to stop. I have no idea where or when I lost the ability to say no, but I swear, it’s disappeared on me.
There’s always something, you know? Last weekend it was a joint birthday celebration for my mother in-law and sister in-law, plus a belated Father’s Day celebration. This weekend it’s Pride weekend in Toronto and I’m spending it downtown with friends and family. There will be drinking. There will be lots of drinking.
I just feel like there’s always going to “be” something! Always! Every time I think I’m in the clear, another event pops up and I have to try to navigate it. Which, I used to be able to do and I’m not sure why I’m struggling.
It’s just FOOD! I’m sick of soothing my anxiety with food! People like me, I like them. I’m comfortable in social situations!
This post is like a big long vomit.
I’m going to start over AGAIN. Today. I’m adding a stats page to the top of this blog so that I can track and see my progress. I’ve started actually going to Weight Watchers again, staying for meetings and paying to weigh in (as I’m over goal). I’m going to figure out a way to get some activity in at least three times this coming week and I’m going to see some movement on the scale.
So help me.
I rejoined Weight Watchers on Saturday. I never really stopped going this past year, mostly because I was working for them, but I turned my notice in as leader at the beginning of October and now I’m just a regular ol’ member.
It makes me almost laugh to rejoin (or whatever) because I’m re-learning all my old lessons and I think it’s funny that I keep remembering things I already thought I had down pat.
Sweetened beverages screw up your ability to taste how sweet real food is. This is true of both real sugar sweetened beverages AND artificially sweetened beverages. I had to relearn this lesson after I let diet pop (or soda) creep back into my diet. I kept rationalizing this by saying ‘hey it has no calories! It doesn’t count!’. It was still not good for me! Thankfully, I’ve cut all this stuff out of my diet again. If I want something sweet, I eat real sugar/honey/maple syrup or agave and call it a day. I’m just back to it being a once in a while thing as opposed to everyday.
Muscle is worth being heavier. You may not think so when you look down at the scale, but it’s so much more attractive to be muscled. Lean muscle makes you look pretty hot, even when you feel like it’s messing with the scale. The scale is just a number! Those muscles? They represent you in a way that a number never can. Muscles say ‘I’m a badass, I can change the water bottle in the water cooler whilst wearing a skirt cause I’m strong’.
Losing weight in a healthy fashion is actually about self-love. In order to take care of yourself, eating right and working out, you have to like yourself. All this stuff? Is effort. If you don’t think that you’re worth the effort, you will never lose weight or get healthier.
That last one? It’s the most important thing I’ve forgotten over the last year. What’s weird is I don’t remember when the switch flipped for me. I don’t remember ever thinking that I WASN’T worth the effort but it happened. It happened because I have a long history of not recognizing that I’m good enough to care about and even though I practiced taking care of myself for a while, it’s got to be a conscious effort for much longer than a few years before it becomes natural.
I’m not going to post my weigh in’s like I did on my other blog, but I will give updates as I hit my big milestones. Right now, my focus is on getting back into the 160’s without getting blinded by weight loss obsession.