I need to figure shit out. I’m sick and tired of feeling fat, ugly and lousy.
I’m just done thinking about how I’ve failed at every moment of the day. The entire time I’m awake, all I can think of is how I’m gaining weight and how terrible I look. I think AT EVERY MOMENT of my life about what I could do, what I should do, what I will do and what I won’t do.
I’M SICK OF IT.
I need to start now. I need to stop ordering pizza cause it’s hot out and I don’t want to cook (last night). I need to stop going for frozen yogurt because one of my room mate’s suggested it and I had recently read a review of it (Saturday). I need to stop worrying about what other people are doing and just worry about me. I need to make a choice. Be fat and stop worrying about it or do something to fix it.
In other words, put up or get up.
I’m going back to Weight Watchers. I’m going back to Weight Watchers this week. I will post my weigh in results and take some progress pictures. I’m going to stick this out, dammit. I want to be in control of me and my choices again because I cannot see my weight start with a “2” again. I just can’t. I worked so hard! I can’t let it all be in vain.
It’s been over six months since I’ve posted.
What have I been doing?
I’ve been going on vacation to Florida, thinking about buying a house with my girlfriend, celebrating friends as they settle down and start families…and getting fatter.
I’m actually pretty good at maintenance. I can maintain the same basic weight (give or take a few pounds) like a rock star. But I’m also good at gaining weight and, for someone who’s lost almost 200 lbs, I’m really bad a losing weight. It’s like I can’t commit to buckling down, taking off the pounds gained and then resuming maintenance. I like maintenance. I like being able to eat a bit more and move a bit less. I like being able to have a night off sitting on the couch and not feel guilty about skipping a workout.
That’s most of my issue. I think about how fat I am and how I hate how I look ALL THE TIME. I am constantly “starting over” and making excuses and it has to stop. I have no idea where or when I lost the ability to say no, but I swear, it’s disappeared on me.
There’s always something, you know? Last weekend it was a joint birthday celebration for my mother in-law and sister in-law, plus a belated Father’s Day celebration. This weekend it’s Pride weekend in Toronto and I’m spending it downtown with friends and family. There will be drinking. There will be lots of drinking.
I just feel like there’s always going to “be” something! Always! Every time I think I’m in the clear, another event pops up and I have to try to navigate it. Which, I used to be able to do and I’m not sure why I’m struggling.
It’s just FOOD! I’m sick of soothing my anxiety with food! People like me, I like them. I’m comfortable in social situations!
This post is like a big long vomit.
I’m going to start over AGAIN. Today. I’m adding a stats page to the top of this blog so that I can track and see my progress. I’ve started actually going to Weight Watchers again, staying for meetings and paying to weigh in (as I’m over goal). I’m going to figure out a way to get some activity in at least three times this coming week and I’m going to see some movement on the scale.
So help me.