Category Archives: Weight Loss

Week One Results…Again

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I did it.  I managed to track (mostly) all week-long and I managed to step on the scale and not want to cry.  I lost 4.8 lbs this week, which is pretty typical considering it’s the first week of this current endeavour.  I usually lose a bigger amount the first week, then I can expect it to taper off and average out to about 1-2 lbs per week.

My goal for last week was not to drink any diet pop.  As freaking hard as that was at times, I did it.  I’m so effin’ proud of that because that stupid aspartame monkey on my back seemed present every time I opened the fridge.  What’s different this time then the last time I stopped drinking diet pop, is that I have room mates now and I can’t ban certain things from the house.  Last time, I simply stopped buying it and then it wasn’t around for me to choose from when I got thirsty.  Now it’s still readily available and I’m telling you, it was tough.

My goal this week is to track everything – including Saturday and Sunday.  This is where I fell down last week.  I still tried to eat mind fully and carefully, but I stopped tracking.  Oops.  I’m trying to build/break habits one at a time.  I don’t want to get overwhelmed.  I would like to be close-ish to my goal weight by the time the Christmas season hits, which is a reasonable goal.  I don’t want to head into the holidays with a ton of extra weight – I know there will be a small gain in December and I’d like to avoid having my weight begin with a “2” ever again.

I have some challenges this week – I’m making 240 cakepops for a friends Labour Day wedding.  I know there will be cake available around every corner.  I know that I will be tempted.  My goal is only to sample one of the vanilla cakepops – the chocolate, due to an allergy, will not be a concern.  That’s it.  Wish me luck!

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Migraines Suck

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I have not been feeling very well this week – I had a run in with my old friend the migraine on Tuesday, which has left me feeling less than stellar for the remainder of the week.

In less depressing news, I’ve managed to stay on track through it all.  I did got to the pub on Wednesday and managed to order…pretty badly.  But!  I packed up half of my meal right away, which meant that I dipped a mere toe into my weekly points instead of going overboard and diving in whole hog. 

I’m going camping this weekend at a friend’s parents house in the country and I’m pretty nervous.  I sent them an email asking them if I could bring anything and their response?  ‘A big appetite’.  Awesome.

My plan is to track BEFORE I eat something and to try to stick to one small serving of stuff.  Plus, I know that for the most part it’s going to be good food – a green salad, corn on the cob, etc.  It’s the deserts I’m worried about – s’mores and raspberry-sour cream pie.  I can only do my best though – and I’m determined to see a loss on the scale on Monday morning.

Wish me luck!

Here We Go!

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I did it.  I weighed myself this morning, restarted my tracker with Weight Watchers and am ready to go. 

I feel better already, although I know most of that is the mental process of starting over. 

I feel optimistic this time, which is different.  I’m determined that I’m going to have a POSITIVE MENTAL ATTITUDE.  I know from past experience that believing you can do something makes things so much easier.  I’m in this.  I’m in this hardcore.

I have about 40 lbs to lose, which sucks but it’s not the end of the world.  I want to be in control.  I want to feel hot and sexy again.  I want to be able to put on those denim capris that make my ass look wonderful and my thighs look tiny.  I want to be free.

Here goes nothin’ everything.

Take a Deep Breathe

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I need to figure shit out.  I’m sick and tired of feeling fat, ugly and lousy.

I’m just done thinking about how I’ve failed at every moment of the day.  The entire time I’m awake, all I can think of is how I’m gaining weight and how terrible I look.  I think AT EVERY MOMENT of my life about what I could do, what I should do, what I will do and what I won’t do.

I’M SICK OF IT.

I need to start now.  I need to stop ordering pizza cause it’s hot out and I don’t want to cook (last night).  I need to stop going for frozen yogurt because one of my room mate’s suggested it and I had recently read a review of it (Saturday).  I need to stop worrying about what other people are doing and just worry about me.  I need to make a choice.  Be fat and stop worrying about it or do something to fix it. 

In other words, put up or get up.

I’m going back to Weight Watchers.  I’m going back to Weight Watchers this week.  I will post my weigh in results and take some progress pictures.  I’m going to stick this out, dammit.  I want to be in control of me and my choices again because I cannot see my weight start with a “2” again.  I just can’t.  I worked so hard!  I can’t let it all be in vain.

Enter…The Plan

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I’ve decided that actually putting my plan into writing is the way to go.  Too often, flying by the seat of my pants is what leads to Burrito Boyz for dinner instead of something that’s good for me (by the way, I did work out what a burrito is worth, point-wise.  Seventeen.  SEVENTEEN!)

Here goes nothing.  Or, as I’m calling it, Operation Stop Hating How I Look Every Day.

I’m planning on taking my favourite breakfast to work with me everyday – it’s 1 cup of mixed berries, 1/2 cup of Kashi’s Almond Flax cereal and 1/2 a cup of plain, fat-free, Greek yogurt.  It’s filling, easy and delicious.  Lunch these days is usually a big salad, topped with some kind of protein (usually hard-boiled eggs or chicken), an ounce of feta cheese and some oil and vinegar salad dressing.  I like it, it tastes good and for now, it’s easy.  I’m going to look at ways to spice up my lunch in the near future so that I don’t get bored. 

With that being said, I just have to figure out dinners.  I’ve remained really good about meal planning through my weight gain, but my downfall consistently becomes the weekend where I fall out of a routine and overeat.  I feel bad about overeating, which leads to my saying ‘screw it, bring on the pie’ and falling face first into a weekend binge.  No more.

Monday – Eating dinner at my girlfriend’s mom’s house.  She is making us a recipe she found in a magazine this month. 

Tuesday – Homemade Spinach Lasagna.  Not exactly summer fare, but I have friends staying the night mid-week and this will be a good way to send them with lunch on Thursday, lasagna makes lots of leftovers.

Wednesday – my weekly pub night.  I’ve decided for the next little while, I’ll be ordering the Buffalo Chicken Wrap with a side salad.  At 16 points for the sandwich, it’s not the greatest thing, but a pub menu is hard to order from and I’m eating lightly through the rest of the day.  A side salad is definitely better than fries!

Thursday – barbecued pork chops with grilled pineapple, quinoa and foil-packet brocoli.  Delicious and super summer-ey.

Friday – I’m going to a wedding.  I’m going to try to avoid the multi-courses and the sweets.  Wish me luck.  This is going to be the biggest challenge to staying on track this week and I’m both nervous and scared.  I want to rock this.  I’ve enlisted my girlfriend’s help with this one AND I agreed to drive in advance so that I can’t drink.  Drinking is a calorie suck, but more importantly, it usually ends up loosening up my chewin’ muscles and I overeat.  No good.  Wish me luck with this night.

Saturday – barbeque steak, baked potatoes and corn on the cob.  Homemade is the way to go – I will most likely only eat half the baked potato as I don’t really care for potatoes (I know, I’m a freak) unless they’re fried. 

Sunday I will meal plan for next week and post it.  I’m thinking I might try to post the recipe for my lasagna after I make it.  We’ll see.

That’s my week in a nutshell.  I hope I can make it work because quite frankly, I feel sick at the idea of getting any fatter.

A Good Disaster

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This weekend was both amazing and horrible, all at the same time.

On one hand, I had a great time.  My girlfriend and I managed to meet up with a ton of our friends.  I got to sit on many a patio and have wonderful people surrounding me.  I bumped in to people I haven’t seen in a while and I even managed to buy an awesome bag that I’ve been admiring on the internet for some time.

On the other hand, I ate and drank with far too much abandon.  I kept justifying it too!  I kept saying ‘well, I’ve been walking around all day’ and ‘I got up late and only ate two meals!’.  None of which are lies, but none of which justifies eating ribs and nachos in the same day.  Nor does it excuse drinking waaaaay too much beer.

I don’t know what to say besides that I’m starting over today?  It’s so lame.  SO LAME!!  But all I can do is start over.

If I’m being really honest, I sort of knew that this weekend was going to be a debacle of epic proportions.  I actually think that makes it worse, because it’s like I was planning on giving myself license to go off the rails IN ADVANCE.  Something I hate doing.

Apologies and excuses are not going to get me anywhere.  The only thing I can do is move forward.

So I’m moving forward.  I will be weighing in tomorrow morning, taking that as my weight and having a good week.  I’m committing to hitting the gym twice this week – once on Thursday and once on the weekend.

I have a wedding in eight weeks and I want to feel good when I dance the night away.

Happy Pride!

This is Ridiculous

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It’s been over six months since I’ve posted.

What have I been doing? 

I’ve been going on vacation to Florida, thinking about buying a house with my girlfriend, celebrating friends as they settle down and start families…and getting fatter.

This sucks.

I’m actually pretty good at maintenance.  I can maintain the same basic weight (give or take a few pounds) like a rock star.  But I’m also good at gaining weight and, for someone who’s lost almost 200 lbs, I’m really bad a losing weight.  It’s like I can’t commit to buckling down, taking off the pounds gained and then resuming maintenance.  I like maintenance.  I like being able to eat a bit more and move a bit less.  I like being able to have a night off sitting on the couch and not feel guilty about skipping a workout.

Blarg.

That’s most of my issue.  I think about how fat I am and how I hate how I look ALL THE TIME.  I am constantly “starting over” and making excuses and it has to stop.  I have no idea where or when I lost the ability to say no, but I swear, it’s disappeared on me.

There’s always something, you know?  Last weekend it was a joint birthday celebration for my mother in-law and sister in-law, plus a belated Father’s Day celebration.  This weekend it’s Pride weekend in Toronto and I’m spending it downtown with friends and family.  There will be drinking.  There will be lots of drinking.

I just feel like there’s always going to “be” something!  Always!  Every time I think I’m in the clear, another event pops up and I have to try to navigate it.  Which, I used to be able to do and I’m not sure why I’m struggling.

It’s just FOOD!  I’m sick of soothing my anxiety with food!  People like me, I like them.  I’m comfortable in social situations!

This post is like a big long vomit.

Apologies. 

I’m going to start over AGAIN.  Today.  I’m adding a stats page to the top of this blog so that I can track and see my progress.  I’ve started actually going to Weight Watchers again, staying for meetings and paying to weigh in (as I’m over goal).  I’m going to figure out a way to get some activity in at least three times this coming week and I’m going to see some movement on the scale. 

So help me.

Finding My Own Version of Normal

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I’ve made a decision.

I’m only going to weigh myself once a month.  I would like to swear off weighing myself altogether, but I know it just won’t be possible.

I realized the other day that I was less preoccupied with my weight when I was over 300 lbs.  Food was just food.

I need to learn to trust myself.  I don’t eat out very often and when I do, I usually make a good choice.  I cook in a healthy fashion and I get plenty of exercise.  I binge eat.

The binge eating is why I have trouble maintaining my weight.  I go through cycles of restriction and bingeing and neither is healthy.  Counting POINTS, calories in/out…it’s what’s making me feel horrible about myself.  I constantly feel like what I’m doing is not enough, like I could be doing more, being more.

Enough.

I’ve decided that I’m not going to count calories or log my food.

I’m going to eat mind fully.  I’ve done this before, but never successfully.  I usually notice that I’m eating more and then I panic and I weigh myself.  When I weigh myself, I find I’m heavier than I would like and I begin to restrict.

No more.  I’m good enough.  I can tell how much weight I’ve gained or lost based on what size clothing I’m buying.  Why does a number matter if I am still wearing the same pants I wore last year.  I’m still buying mediums and they look great. 

Maybe this will be a fail, but I don’t think so.  I’ve felt far more relaxed and happy these last few days.  I’m focussing less on food and more on how I feel.  I feel like a load of bricks has been lifted off me and I like it.

Exercise will be key, not because it will keep me thin, but because it will keep me SANE.  I like how I feel when I’m exercising.  My legs look nice and strong, my arms and shoulders get this really nice definition.  I like feeling like I could flee from an attacker without hacking up a lung too.  I have plans to join a half-marathon training group in January (ironically, it’s not the distance running that scares me, it’s the learning to run in the cold that I am dreading) so I think I’m pretty covered.

I want normal.  Now I’m willing to work on getting it.

One Day, I’ll Figure Out What’s Wrong With Me

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Why am I an eating machine on the weekends?

It’s so weird – I manage to stay on track all during the week, even though I’m busy and on the go.  I’m struggling so much lately and this morning I saw an EXTREMELY scary number on the scale.

I know that a lot of it is water weight from eating on the weekend and that tomorrow it will likely be significantly lower but still.  It’s upsetting.  I’m tired of feeling like my clothes are all too tight – tugging on them and feeling constrained is not fun.

I’m sick of this.  I’m sick of letting myself get out of control.

It always comes back to control.  I feel like I’ve got myself on some kind of leash all the time and then I take any opportunity to break free.  I think I actually plan for the times when I’m going to break away and do whatever I want.

Why can’t I “whatever I want” be the desire to sleep all day or ride my bike?  Why does “whatever I want” always come down to eating?  I really try to let go of a perfection mentality, but I can’t seem to lately.  I don’t want to beat myself up over mistakes, but I do anyway.  The entire time I’m doing so, I am reminding myself that I’m only human.

Maybe I really am crazy.  Maybe I need therapy.

In the meantime, I’m trying to recover from a weekend-long work meeting at a fancy hotel.  They fed us constantly and I took full advantage.  The food?  Wasn’t even that good.

The wine was though.

I felt even worse the second day of the meetings – I was hung over and feeling sick from the gross food the day before.  That didn’t stop me from trying to make myself feel better by eating. 

I make the same mistakes over and over and wonder why I don’t get different results.

I think that IS the definition of crazy (see above, I’m correct).

I have to get my act together.  I’m sick of feeling this way and I’ll be darned if I gain back anymore of my weight.  I want to at least maintain through December and then return to my goal weight next year.

If anyone has any advice on how I can do this, I’m all ears.

The End is the Beginning

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I rejoined Weight Watchers on Saturday.  I never really stopped going this past year, mostly because I was working for them, but I turned my notice in as leader at the beginning of October and now I’m just a regular ol’ member.

It makes me almost laugh to rejoin (or whatever) because I’m re-learning all my old lessons and I think it’s funny that I keep remembering things I already thought I had down pat.

Things like:

Sweetened beverages screw up your ability to taste how sweet real food is.  This is true of both real sugar sweetened beverages AND artificially sweetened beverages.  I had to relearn this lesson after I let diet pop (or soda) creep back into my diet.  I kept rationalizing this by saying ‘hey it has no calories!  It doesn’t count!’.  It was still not good for me!  Thankfully, I’ve cut all this stuff out of my diet again.  If I want something sweet, I eat real sugar/honey/maple syrup or agave and call it a day.  I’m just back to it being a once in a while thing as opposed to everyday.

Muscle is worth being heavier.  You may not think so when you look down at the scale, but it’s so much more attractive to be muscled.  Lean muscle makes you look pretty hot, even when you feel like it’s messing with the scale.  The scale is just a number!  Those muscles?  They represent you in a way that a number never can.  Muscles say ‘I’m a badass, I can change the water bottle in the water cooler whilst wearing a skirt cause I’m strong’. 

Losing weight in a healthy fashion is actually about self-love.  In order to take care of yourself, eating right and working out, you have to like yourself.  All this stuff?  Is effort.  If you don’t think that you’re worth the effort, you will never lose weight or get healthier. 

That last one?  It’s the most important thing I’ve forgotten over the last year.  What’s weird is I don’t remember when the switch flipped for me.  I don’t remember ever thinking that I WASN’T worth the effort but it happened.  It happened because I have a long history of not recognizing that I’m good enough to care about and even though I practiced taking care of myself for a while, it’s got to be a conscious effort for much longer than a few years before it becomes natural. 

I’m not going to post my weigh in’s like I did on my other blog, but I will give updates as I hit my big milestones.  Right now, my focus is on getting back into the 160’s without getting blinded by weight loss obsession.