Monthly Archives: December 2011

Finding My Own Version of Normal

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I’ve made a decision.

I’m only going to weigh myself once a month.  I would like to swear off weighing myself altogether, but I know it just won’t be possible.

I realized the other day that I was less preoccupied with my weight when I was over 300 lbs.  Food was just food.

I need to learn to trust myself.  I don’t eat out very often and when I do, I usually make a good choice.  I cook in a healthy fashion and I get plenty of exercise.  I binge eat.

The binge eating is why I have trouble maintaining my weight.  I go through cycles of restriction and bingeing and neither is healthy.  Counting POINTS, calories in/out…it’s what’s making me feel horrible about myself.  I constantly feel like what I’m doing is not enough, like I could be doing more, being more.

Enough.

I’ve decided that I’m not going to count calories or log my food.

I’m going to eat mind fully.  I’ve done this before, but never successfully.  I usually notice that I’m eating more and then I panic and I weigh myself.  When I weigh myself, I find I’m heavier than I would like and I begin to restrict.

No more.  I’m good enough.  I can tell how much weight I’ve gained or lost based on what size clothing I’m buying.  Why does a number matter if I am still wearing the same pants I wore last year.  I’m still buying mediums and they look great. 

Maybe this will be a fail, but I don’t think so.  I’ve felt far more relaxed and happy these last few days.  I’m focussing less on food and more on how I feel.  I feel like a load of bricks has been lifted off me and I like it.

Exercise will be key, not because it will keep me thin, but because it will keep me SANE.  I like how I feel when I’m exercising.  My legs look nice and strong, my arms and shoulders get this really nice definition.  I like feeling like I could flee from an attacker without hacking up a lung too.  I have plans to join a half-marathon training group in January (ironically, it’s not the distance running that scares me, it’s the learning to run in the cold that I am dreading) so I think I’m pretty covered.

I want normal.  Now I’m willing to work on getting it.

If You’ve Got It to Give

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My sister who has been through so much is being assessed as a transplant patient.

Her doctors now believe that her spleen is enlarged due to the beginning phases of liver failure.  It’s working overtime to try to take some of the stress away from her liver but that’s not the way the body is supposed to work.

Caitlyn has an appointment on January 4th with her surgeons, social workers, counsellors, nurses and transplant coordinators to discuss her status and her position on the transplant waiting list. 

There are some positives here.  Shes’s in much better health than the last time she had this surgery (six years ago) and they may consider a live organ donation.  Her husband has volunteered to be tested.  So have I. 

I have always felt like this was meant to be.  Six years ago, I felt like I should donate but not only was there not enough time, I was morbidly obese and not eligible. 

Thank God I changed my life – I should have no problems qualifying to donate a portion of my liver this time around.

My mother and I discussed this, she would rather it was Jason, my sister’s husband.  My mother said that she had no idea how she would survive the two of us being in there at the same time.  I know, I just know in my gut, that I am going to be a better match and my liver will be healthier.  I’ve never smoked, I drink only in moderation (last Saturday night excepted), I eat clean and I exercise regularly. 

I only hope I can give her this and it turns out well.

One Day, I’ll Figure Out What’s Wrong With Me

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Why am I an eating machine on the weekends?

It’s so weird – I manage to stay on track all during the week, even though I’m busy and on the go.  I’m struggling so much lately and this morning I saw an EXTREMELY scary number on the scale.

I know that a lot of it is water weight from eating on the weekend and that tomorrow it will likely be significantly lower but still.  It’s upsetting.  I’m tired of feeling like my clothes are all too tight – tugging on them and feeling constrained is not fun.

I’m sick of this.  I’m sick of letting myself get out of control.

It always comes back to control.  I feel like I’ve got myself on some kind of leash all the time and then I take any opportunity to break free.  I think I actually plan for the times when I’m going to break away and do whatever I want.

Why can’t I “whatever I want” be the desire to sleep all day or ride my bike?  Why does “whatever I want” always come down to eating?  I really try to let go of a perfection mentality, but I can’t seem to lately.  I don’t want to beat myself up over mistakes, but I do anyway.  The entire time I’m doing so, I am reminding myself that I’m only human.

Maybe I really am crazy.  Maybe I need therapy.

In the meantime, I’m trying to recover from a weekend-long work meeting at a fancy hotel.  They fed us constantly and I took full advantage.  The food?  Wasn’t even that good.

The wine was though.

I felt even worse the second day of the meetings – I was hung over and feeling sick from the gross food the day before.  That didn’t stop me from trying to make myself feel better by eating. 

I make the same mistakes over and over and wonder why I don’t get different results.

I think that IS the definition of crazy (see above, I’m correct).

I have to get my act together.  I’m sick of feeling this way and I’ll be darned if I gain back anymore of my weight.  I want to at least maintain through December and then return to my goal weight next year.

If anyone has any advice on how I can do this, I’m all ears.